Dispatch From Post-Exam Land…

Each semester I experience a low at the end.  It’s after exams are over.  It’s after my final papers and projects are turned in or left at a resting place until after the holiday break.  And it always catches me off-guard.

This “it” — the low — seems like a consequence of something I struggle with: trying so hard because nothing feels like enough and then being left with a feeling almost like suspended animation.  There is no more I need to do but the need to be doing remains.

I’m sure this is not specific to me as a student, as many if not most of us are consumed by feelings that beg us for productivity all the time.  Yet there is something to being a student that seems to intensify such a condition, especially a law student.  And having an adhd brain may not help.  But what is this low really about?  Or, how can I rebound from it more skillfully?

What I’ve realized is that when this feeling comes it is accompanied by a sense that I cannot breath fully into my heart.  I cannot bring my breath fully into the chest cavity where my heart chakra (if this is language that works for you) dwells.  I  literally have trouble lifting my heart.

So this year, instead of trying to force my heart back open I am trying something new.  I am practicing being okay with how I’m feeling and choosing to trust that my heart will open back up when it’s time, when I am fully ready for more to come in.  I am practicing yoga.  I am spending time with friends and family.  I am just hanging out and watching my feelings shift versus trying to control them.  It is a practice of mindfulness I suppose.  I am allowing my heart to be closed for renovation.  It is the most I can “do” without “doing” anything at all.  Cheers to taking a break from Post-Exam Land, ya’ll…