3L year has started. I’ve re-shuffled classes, spent an exorbitant amount on casebooks that do little but make my eyes glaze over, and the fun has just begun! In all seriousness though, there’s a difference in me now. And it’s not necessarily a bad or sad one, as I often report from the dungeon of law school.
Two images came into my mind the other day. First was of a mound of string suspended in front of my face. My arms were outstretched as I furtively tried to gather the whole thing at once. There were feelings of fear here, anxiety, a sense of urgency I couldn’t unplug from. The second came right after, and it was of this same string but in the form of an untangled line. This time, instead of grasping for more than I could even fit in my arms, I simply picked up one end of it, and holding on ever so lightly, began to move forward. I experienced a sense of peacefulness and stability from the second image. It felt like I could trust that being where I was, or having pulled through however much of the thread as I was able to, was enough. I didn’t have to keep reaching; I got this sense I was already where I needed to be. Instead of feverishly pulling or reaching for more, I could rest in the awareness of where I was. And from that place, just allow, rather than push myself, to keep moving.
I posted this on Facebook mostly to people’s puzzlement — what does it mean, charitable FB friends chimed? I’m pretty sure it has to do with being in touch with what is closest to my core as a person. And finding the delicate freedom that comes with ‘staying true’ to who you are while at the same time recognizing you’ve got to tow a line in this world. As an obsessive seeker of truth this has always been challenging for me. I’ve always measured my happiness by the degree to which I could ‘let go’. Law school’s been tough because it’s forced me to ‘hold on’ for dear life. Now, it seems, I am learning to find a balance…
